I don’t quite know why yet, but I like the sound of having a blank page. I like the feeling it gives me when I think about blank pages. It’s like my heart is laughing. I once wrote in my literary class how I want my life to be like an unwritten book. Where the ending is still being questioned and there are many ideas and excitement about what you want to write soon. There is no rush or pressure to finish the book because you’re still dreaming and writing about it now. Let me tell you, it takes off an insurmountable amount of pressure I feel when wanting to do something risky. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now, tomorrow, or even in a few months. Knowing I have the time to write my story, to fill in my blank pages keeps me turning the page.
Although, knowing this doesn’t make it any easier. I constantly have to remind myself not to rush it all. I’m like one of those people who reads the ending of the book and then goes to the first page-impatient. Speaking of books, you should know I read a lot:) So at times I will talk about the books I’m reading. I like to see what I can learn from or relate to in the books. Is this story going to open my eyes to another chapter of my life? I read a book a few months ago, and in it a woman talked about how she has had this feeling of “blankness” in her life. She always felt like she was on a completely different path than her peers. She didn’t even enjoy the things they did together. Who can relate? Anyways, because of that she thought something was wrong with her.
But of course she is starting to realize the blankness she feels is one of the strongest things about her. It makes her more caring, open-minded, and my new favorite word that was used to describe her: expansive. She’s expansive because of her blank pages. It makes her feel like she can be herself, do what she wants and not care what her peers say about her.
#unbothered
This woman is on her own path, sh*t she may have created the whole dirt road. And along the way she planted seeds that will grow and expand with her.
I may have gotten carried away, but that’s what I want to feel, expansive. And that’s what I think we all should strive to achieve. The word that I usually think of is limitless but they do give me the same tickling in my heart feeling:)
I guess I’m afraid I won’t know how to get there… but maybe that’s the point. You can’t see me right now, but imagine a girl is sitting with her laptop on her lap and there’s a light bulb on over her head. I don’t know how I’m going to do it yet, but it is left for me to figure out. My life isn’t finished. My story has just gotten started. Well now that I think about it, it’s more like my life is starting another story, one with blank pages for me to fill. Once again it feels like something I’ve always known, but writing brings clarity for me. And maybe someone needed to hear it too.
Blank pages are the way I’m going to think about my life from now on. And our pages don’t have to end, they can be just as limitless or expansive as you want to feel.
-C